with quiet mouths, and screaming eyes, we dance the dance of humanity

I am unhappy.

Weird, right? Today is the first day among many where I have been discontented. I can feel this seed in my heart that I haven’t felt in a long time. It is something called desperation; a feeling of being trapped. In every breath, every movement there is an ache to run. My eyes flicker around the room in a ceaseless circle, looking for a way to escape.

I see the world with the hues of grey I remember.

I know why I feel caged. But it is something I cannot run from. For practical reasons, for a dwindling motivation to follow a dream that seems so out of reach. I feel so tired. I am wearing down. It is my own fault, my own doing. I am the one holding the plastic bag over my head. I am suffocating in my own stupidity and lack of the ability to open my mouth and say “No. Stop. I am not okay with this.”

But I can’t.

Am I making sense?

Probably not.

It is a work in progress. Things will get better. I have faith in that. I just have to wait out the storm.

~C

awake awake, there's no use for pretend, these birds are departing on autumns end

I am sitting in the library – I feel as if I am a little fish in a large fishbowl – surrounded by clear glass, curious eyeballs, and fake surroundings that exist only for appearance sake. The air is filled with stifled coughs, noisy page turners, the zipping of new backpacks, and exhausted sighs.

I am putting off the schoolwork that I know is potentially taking over my moderately free schedule. There is so much more to study and witness now at this time than there is to learn from any stale book.

I don’t know if my outlook is anywhere remotely optimistic when it comes to the perception my new ‘educational environment’. I do not appreciate the people that I have no other alternative but to observe in my every day meanderings. Orange skin, blinding teeth, painted eyes, clicking nails, sagging pants, cigarette smoke and a ‘better than thou’ attitude fill my senses. I don’t feel welcome here. I miss the places that I have yet to have a chance to see. India, Russia, Africa, South America.

I want to fit in – to find a home somewhere. Not a house, not an apartment, not an address, not a dwelling, not a living space; but a home. I have searched for such a place in and out of tired dreams, in lands far away from this. Hoping to someday feel within my soul a change – a binding – to a physical situation; I yearn for that. I thought at one point I had found it within the corners of a world. It was beautiful there, filled with light and promise. For one time in a very long and empty time I was able to feel the love that people actually had the desire to have me feel.

But I had to leave what could have been my home, and when I look back on it now, the feeling in my soul was close to what I ached for, but not right. Not yet.

I’ll have to keep searching. Perhaps one day I will discover what I seek. Until then, I will remain in an uncomfortable and lonely silence; filled with hope, faith, and promise.

~C

war is not the answer; the answer is within you.

I did it.

I have traveled.

I went to the moon – fanatical ideas considered to be mad, made reality – and came back with alien eyes. I stumbled upon a land of dreamers and forgotten tales, with ambiguity written in painted smiles. I pushed myself through the looking glass, only to find just how small I was in comparison to God’s furniture.

Museums: bursting with the screams of the dead, filling your mind with their cries – their sacrifices. I saw the art of those of such skill, such intellect and power as to have their work preserved in reverence as their only lasting memory in time. Haunting the shadowed hallways of my mind.

I was in a hurricane – and learned how to swim whilst on solid ground. I was in an earthquake – where I learned just how human the faceless people around me are. I was in a lightning storm – where it was chased; and defeated by closed eyelids.

What a wonderful week.

School starts tomorrow. I continue my quest for employment with no luck thus far.

But ah, what a life. To wake with sun melting like butter on my face, and a day filled with opportunity and promise. The air swirls around me, wrapping me in its playful embrace. The new day is not a start of yet another rising sun, but a continuance of this story that you are writing in your mind. It will never end.

Let it not end without adventure, true love, bravery, honor, and the occasional sword fight.

~C

i don't need a home, just a compass and a map.

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.

Oh, what a life I have lived thus far! How much more of this joy will my heart be capable of bearing before I burst?

Not much.

My soul has expanded beyond my previous comprehension, and is continuing to grow.

I live somewhere else entirely now. I so wish that I could tell you that I am off in my own wonderland and solitude – lost in a maze of dancing trees entwined, engulfed in a swirling mist and surrounded by gatherings of frost bitten roses; delightful petrichor permeating the air – but the reality is nearly as pleasing.

I have moved since last I was here.

Twice.

The first move was out of a fairy tale. I lived in an enchanted land of time; filled with secrets in the trees, wisdom in the water, and music on the lips. I fell in love with the earth there, and it touched me in ways I could never fully describe, or even begin explaining to understanding.

What a wonderful year it was. I came with nothing but the clothes on my back, and left with nothing but memories.

Now I am moved elsewhere.

Another time, another city, another life.

It is so different here now. The air is filled with a sense of newness. The lack of mystery saturates my senses, and I am overwhelmed with a great sense of loss for what I have given up and left behind. But my soul must always be in a state of movement. Ever growing, ever learning. When that growing slows, I must change. I must find an escape.

I have been strengthened and molded by a love of God and dusty books in hidden shops. I need to continuously remind myself that it isn’t where I am that matters, because I will always have what I need with me. My body, my spirit, and my Lord. Everything else is inconsequential. Allow me to ponder and make a list of what I do enjoy about my new home.

C.S. Lewis on a grand scale. Commentary of many children. Local music artists. Raspberries are delicious. Reflections in a lake. Sunny skies and rainy days. I have a balcony. Empty space and the imagination to fill it. Adventures playing on my closed eyelids. Perhaps I will get a bike. And a typewriter.

Too much goodness here. And it is just waiting for me to discover it all.

Take a breath and hold it, do not let it go,

Keep in all your sorrows; lock up all your woes.

Time will slow to stop; the world is standing still,

And you and I away escape are lost amid the thrill.

~C

praying for a change of heart, and looking for a sign

When I dream, I dream in bright, brilliant colors.

And sometimes, I will wake without having any recollection of the dream, but having this unambiguous impression as to what it consisted of. I lie in bed and play it over, and over in my mind; not wanting to forget the events of the goings on of my imagination. But, I always do.

Dreams are funny things. They can tell you many facts that you didn't even realize you knew, they can bring about many sensations -- albeit be falling, or dying; flying or laughing -- to cause an actual physical reaction.

When I dream, I dream in bright, brilliant colors. And when I dream, I dream of you.

The Birds were here

Yesterday I went four-wheeling with Scott, a good friend of mine. We reached the very tip of a mountain top. We sat there, and looked down at the city. Tracing our fingers along the lines of the roads we recognized. Laughing at this satellite view that we had.

But then, we became silent. And we just gazed down. Marveling at how the clouds were directly in our eye level, and how the rainstorm which fell down from grey clouds and into the lake made a very distinct circle of rain. It was beautiful.

In this silence, the cogs of my mind began to work.

My problems, and the troubles of my heart seemed so small.

I am the kind of person who always puts others before myself, because of the amount of love I have to give. However, looking down at the patchwork quilt of what had been my whole life; I realize just how insignificant I am. My own universe – my own world – revolves around something smaller than an ant in the eyes of reality; me. I realize just then how shellfish I have been. How I have been so focused on myself, and my own pain and troubles, that I have had little time to realize how little I mean to anyone but myself.

But then: my thoughts are stopped by, not so much a VOICE, but more of a FEELING in my head.

“You are not insignificant, Cate, my love. You are so very precious, and mean the world to me.”

And I realized, then and there that I must change. I must become that person that influences the lives of all around her. The woman who inspires people to be better, to love deeper, and to be stronger just by smiling. I want to change lives, I want people to remember me – not as the girl no one can quite remember the name of from an old hick town in Utah – no; I will be great.

And then I felt it ladies and gentlemen. I felt this pain in my heart, this dull and constant ache.

And to my mind came a line that I remember reading once:

This pain that you are feeling is of your soul expanding.

I took a deep breath. Filling my lungs with the fresh, crisp air of the mountaintops and smiled.

Because that was exactly what I was feeling.

I am healing.

My soul, my heart, my mind is expanding, growing, and becoming what it was meant to become.

~C

It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

I am getting rid of everyone.

I have decided that I do not need friends. They do not wish to help me, but to drag me down. So, I will rid myself of these chains. I do not mind being alone. It will give me more time to focus on the things which are truly important to me. I have made a list:

-My family; I need to put them higher up on my priority list, as they have been down there with washing the dishes for some time. They are suffering from an older sister, as they truly need one now that the oldest has moved out.

-Working; I need to get a job because of all of this schooling I am going to be doing this winter. I really need to be getting my education and my work back on track.

-My art; it has been neglected long enough. I was actually thinking to myself that to cure my summer boredom (and free time of my newer, more dramatic lack of friends) that I would start a new hobby. However, once I really got to thinking about it, I decided that I would much rather build upon the strengths and hobbies that I already have. So, I will.

-My writing; I shared some of my writing with a person recently. They were very interested, intrigued, and as they repeatedly proclaimed – adored it. I know that if I work really, really hard, I can get my novel finished by the end of the year. Or, at least next spring. I know that it is good. I really do. So, I know that – having talked with some publishers recently – that it WILL get published. I just need to put in the work.

-My singing; I can be especially good – better than I am – if I was to just practice more. I mean, the world renown Opera group doesn’t ask just ANYONE to sing as a guest. Especially not someone as young as myself, but I know that I can be better.

I really need to start focusing on the things that are important. I would like to do some volunteer work, you know, start immersing myself in making others happier and better. Choosing them over me. I also am going to put some REAL effort into becoming a better daughter to my Heavenly Father. I will not disappoint you again.

I have so many things to DO now!! I am unleashing my inner child for the first time in ages. :) and… I am actually looking forward to it.

~C