an owl's soul.

There was a tree upon a hill,

Whose brittle limbs were bare.

That shivered in the winter chill,

And slept in autumn air.

This barren tree, she had a dream,

That one day she would fly,

She would escape this friendless theme

And taste the summer sky.

All the sparrows she would follow;

Would sing their heartfelt song.

To the raven and the swallow

With them she would belong.

But every day the tree would wake,

For it was not to be.

And then her weary heart would break,

The lost and lonely tree.

But one grey day – there came a storm,

That shook the world around.

It tossed and turned her twisting form,

But to the earth was bound.

When suddenly – a light came down,

A loud and angry crack.

Then on her lit a fiery crown

That broke her wooden back.

And then that tree – she was consumed

De’voured by hungry flame

And to the dust the tree was doomed,

The earth she then became.

But then a breeze came flutt’ring by,

That lifted up her soul,

And brought the tree into the sky –

Her freedom made her whole.

And now she rides where’ere she please

And through the clouds she’ll soar;

and with the sparrows, and the bees,

the tree’s lonesome no more.

~C

it's a long way home.

I am empty. You are empty. We all are nothing but dark roads and white knuckles.

The whole world is a lifeless shell of catatonic mannequins, whose hollow faces mirror how my insides feel. I want to climb up, stand onto the platform with them and freeze; to never move, or smile, or laugh, or breathe again. But to just stop, and watch the world go by through a box of solid glass.

I am empty. You are empty. But I am aware of a beating heart inside cage of ribs. It weakly pounds its way out with painful words; until it falls from the hole it’s made and falls

Splat

To the ground. A fish out of water.

As if my grave wasn’t deep enough. Make it deeper with selfish intentions.

I am empty. You are empty.

But there is always hope in the dark.

I just haven’t found it yet.

~C

old remedies for broken hearts.

Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred – how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives, or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to destroy what we once possessed; a soul? That we now send our children into the world like we send young men into a war—hoping for their safe return, but knowing, that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows; swallowed whole by the darkness. For there comes a time when every life will be thrown onto this course of potential suicide; unceremoniously hurled into the onslaught of stampeding lies -- burying our bruised and broken body in the stink of our own ideals of perfection.

In that desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you must be? Will you label yourself, or allow others to create a word for your behaviors? Will you be honored by your choices? Will you find and embrace a new path, despite the consequences?

Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.

But you must always remember what I often need to remind myself of:

Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up. But there will be a day when you realize you're not just a survivor; you're a fighter. It’s not the big hard trials that are thrown into your life that can tear you apart, it is the day to day living that will break you down. So now you know. You are stronger than anything because you are still breathing, you are tougher than all that life throws your way. And do you know what?

You really are.

~C

girl, you need to get out of this town.

I am ill today.

I couldn’t sleep last night, as usual. I had a massive headache, and my stomach was hurting terribly. When I was finally able to drift off, I shot up and out of my bed and into the bathroom where I began violently throwing up. I thought it was over but it wasn’t. I spent the night in my tub because the coolness of the smooth surface helped the ache in my body and keep the fever at bay.

I have been unable to leave my room all day. I feel rather useless actually, and cannot even reach over to open my blinds to see out my window. I haven’t been able to get out of bed, because with each attempt I am automatically overcome by a bout of nausea. The only thing I have been able to keep down is about a tablespoon of aloe-vera juice.

I caught this from my little sister. I went over to my parents house over the weekend, and took care of her because she was running a very high fever and throwing up everything. It got pretty scary at one point where I had to put her weak little body into a tub of ice water. It burned her tender skin, and she wasn’t even able to muster up enough strength to cry. Her illness has lasted about five days now, and is still ongoing. I hope that it doesn’t last that long for me. I have so much that I need to do.

So, I was thinking about what I could do to make myself feel a little useful, and I decided to post natural recipes for curing the flu (and other illnesses), that I would make myself if I had the strength.

Tea:
-1 tsp. bayberry bark
-1 half-inch licorice root
-1 tsp. grated ginger root
- pinch of cayenne powder
-1tbs of chamomile flowers
-1 tsp of finely chopped peppermint root
1 ½ cups of boiling water.

Let it steep for 30 minutes, strain, and add a little honey to sweeten it if you so desire. It’s easier on your stomach if it is cold (not frigid) so refrigerate until it is a little cooler than room temperature, and sip slowly. This is also a good recipe for clearing your sinuses.

Also, get several bowls of boiling water, and put a blanket over you and all of the water. Put a few drops of tea tree oil, peppermint oil, lavender oil, and eucalyptus oil into the hot water. This creates a sauna type thing that opens your pores and releases the toxins. If this is too difficult, go into the bathroom and blast the hottest water you can, putting it on the shower setting. Squeeze a towel underneath the door to keep the steam from escaping, and drop the oil into the running water. Sit in the bathroom until the hot water runs out.

I think that is all that I have for today. Sorry I don’t have any pictures. My camera is in my closet and I obviously can’t get up.

Have a good day!!!

~C

strangers in the night.

So, I should be in class right now, but I’m not. I am sitting in on my couch, sipping too-hot-tea in a fuzzy yellow blanket reading about the human developmental life span in a textbook that cost me my first born son, and my left eye. Is that ironic? Studying hard for the class I am currently not attending? Yes. Yes it is.

It is the start of a new year. Well, a new year on my blog, seeing as we are already halfway through the month. I’ve never really been big on the whole “New Years’ Resolutions” custom. I am always in a state of attempting to better myself, and am consistently making new goals. My larger and broader ambitions always just have a tendency of falling on the beginning of the year. But this year, I was really able to get into the whole resolution spirit. There is something beautiful about the idea of starting fresh. You could say that you hadn’t yelled at your little brother all year, that you hadn’t broken your diet all year, that you hadn’t worn pants. There is just something almost magical. Like God had not only made the world a better place by uplifting our spirits in light of the holidays and in recognition of the birth of Christ, but then sealed the ending with a hope of self improvement, and a better tomorrow.

I wasn’t able to sleep much last night, and decided to go for a walk. My walks are so intimate for me. I sometimes have a hard time even talking about them because it is always just me and the Lord, surrounded by the creations of his hands. It hasn’t snowed yet, and there was nothing more than a slight bitter chill in the air. A friend once told me that while he was on his mission, he had a companion that used to keep hot potatoes in his pockets to keep him warm, and everyone would make fun of him. I would never admit it, but ever since then I have been putting potatoes in my coat pockets to keep my hands nice and toasty. Perhaps I should carry around a little salt or something in case I get hungry on my three in the morning madness.

I went to the lake the other day; one of my most favorite places in the world. It was frozen. It was so fascinating to me, because the waves had been frozen as they were; thin, slender sheets of ice, in layer after beautifully delicate layer. It was fascinating. My friend and picked up shards of sharp ice and threw them onto the frozen surface, and they shattered into millions of diamonds. The sun was just setting, and it hit the pieces just right. Making them sparkle enchantingly. The sight took my breath away, and filled my soul. Of course I wanted to go traipsing about all over the surface, so let’s just say that I didn’t drive away necessarily dry.

My little sister has moved in with me, and I have a new roommate. They’re a pretty great lot so far, you won’t get any complaints out of me. Yet. It’s kind of nice to have people around again. I had created a regular bachelor pad with how my stuff was always lying about, forts in the living room, dishes unwashed, shoes everywhere you looked, and clothes all over the apartment. I really enjoyed living by myself, but it’s nice to not be alone anymore too. It keeps me disciplined.
Bah! I have to go. I will try to update as soon as I can. I have a class in a few minutes that I cant miss.

P.S. It still hasn't snowed and... I think that this has been the best winter Utah has ever had.

~C

frost bitten

So many things have happened in the past two months, I don't even know where to start.

Finals were absolutely maddening. Like, tear out your eyeballs and eat them kind of insane. My roommate moved out, and in a few hours I will be having a new roommate. This of whom is also my little sister.

It is still sunny out. There is still not a flake of snow to be seen in the sky. Only the tantalizing chill of temptation in the air.

The world seems to be trapped in limbo. It is not cold enough outside for snow to fall, and winter escapades to begin, but it is bitter enough for the wind to sweep you off your feet and carry you underneath your bed, with a flashlight, a cup of tea, a warm blanket, and a good book.

This week has been all about wrapping presents, laughter, baking goods, giving to others and open, compassionate hearts.

What a wonderful week indeed.

There is also a new boy in my life.

...

I know. It surprised me too.

He's an opera singer, an actor, a genius, and the kindest man I've ever known.

Aren't I blessed?

We go on adventures together.

He even made me my very own christmas tree, because I am too cheap to buy myself one. I think it is the best tree I have ever seen.

Ah, what a busy day it will be today. But I thought I would keep you updated, and let you know that I am still alive, and still questing.

I miss writing here. Even if the only person who reads these little notes is me.

~C

for the love of secrets and laughter

I’ve always hated the fall.

It’s the bitter reminder that everything that I have come to love is dying; and I am left alone. The coming of winter: being the sole remainder of my kind – my nature brothers and sisters; that have comforted me when I felt most abandoned – and am left only with the sound of a howling wind in the icy darkness.

I don’t like being left behind.

However, this autumn, with my new-grown eyes, I’ve been able to clean off the sorrow in my lenses, and see the beauty.

Beauty is often found when you least expect it; and in the most unlikely of places.

I couldn’t sleep. I put on heavy boots and a thick coat and left my house, cutting though the silence as I stepped down flights of stairs with clown feet. There was a frost already settled on the frozen ground. I could hear the grass break under each step. There was a smell of damp dust that settled deep inside of my lungs; weighing me down. I walked for such a very long time, listening to the bump, bump against the dirt.

My feet carried me to a rock, deep inside a pasture, hidden by a veil of trees. I waded through a crunchy mountain of carcasses, and sat on the cold boulder. I pulled my arms and legs under my coat like a turtle. In the light of the moon shining easily though the empty branches, I watched my breath.

Overgrowth surrounded me.

I had sat here before; long ago. It was a faint memory in my crowded head.

It had been many summers ago. I had attended a recital spotlighting my grandmother at a red-wooden house at the end of an unseen lane. She chatted with her friends upon its completion; I had awkwardly slipped into the shadows.

An open window was my escape.

Running through the tall weeds I found this place after pushing aside brambles and arms of wiry branches. It was beautiful. Sunlight forced its way through the tops of the thick layers of leaves, peeping through the sparse cracks, and streaming through victoriously. Little white wild flowers and dandelions surrounded it. I thought I had found my way into a fairy haven.

I spent what felt like hours picking the wild grasses, and flowers to put upon my head as a crown, and dreaming. I reigned that day as a princess. It had been a castle, a prison, a fortress, a cottage. All of which there was a faceless prince to rescue me, fall desperately, ardently in love with my overwhelming beauty, sweeping me into his arms, and carrying me off to an eternity of bliss.

He had always been my first kiss.

This fantastical spell was broken only by the shrill call of my name; I ran across the field back to my impatiently awaiting grandmother, but not before setting my crown on the rock, and vowing to return to my kingdom.

I have very few memories. And the few that I do have are rarely happy. This particular memory had always been my own. My secret.

I had searched for this place many times before, but had never been able to find it.

Though the mazes of my tired mind, I made my way to a happy place. But it was different than what I had remembered. Much different.

Everything was smaller, and there was an air of regret. I had remembered a mountain of a rock upon which I ruled, and trees that would have put forests to shame. Everything was brighter, the air was sweeter, the sounds were more full of joy.

But there was only a suffocating silence, and cold darkness.

A reminder, perhaps, that everything is different now.

I cried.

In my sorrow, I grabbed a brittle looking branch and snapped it in half, and was shaken by what I found:

Green.

The inside of the branches were green. Though frozen, and stiff, everything was still alive. If I listened hard enough I could still hear the shallow breathing.

I was still alive.

I realized that my inner child and the innocence I’d once had not been lost. A thick layer of bark hid what was soft and beautiful inside. The life I had been mourning for so long had never vanished. It was still there – I was still here – hidden beneath layers of stories of my past, memories of my sorrow, and masked a person I pretend to be. I was only seeing what everyone else had been seeing; though my own doings I had build a rough bark around me to protect me from the bitter winds of life.

I found my way home with frozen eyelashes. Not being able to keep the laughter slipping from my lips.

My friends were not dead. They were still there, still alive. Just hiding until it was safe to come out again.

I was still here; just hiding.

My secret.

~C