the whisper.

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for love. Have I allowed such opportunities to brush by me without even a second glance? Perhaps. But it is becoming more apparent to me, that since I cannot rise to a state of being, nor collapse into nothingness, more than ever I have to hear, not merely listen.

In a world that seeks the flawless, my body is a stain,

That with blemish chase the solace, against your thrashing chain.
When into a small space I hide, to gather with the dust,
while in my mind is filled with cries, my bones are left to rust.

Surrounded by the past am drenched, in fleshy rotting skin,
Though this could never mask the stench, of emptiness within.
Amass myself with faceless prey, amongst the lost of men,
as though I'd ne'er been gone away, to him fall once again.


My eyes will never be revealed, nor shall I take a breath,
Until the day my heart is healed, and weakness put to death.
Though to be alone forever, I do not think I'd mind,
If the greedy hands I sever, and wand'ring eyes I blind.

wishing on the sperm of dead plants.

 Happy birthday to me. Well, a few days ago anyways. It really wasn't terrible. I typically dread them because they have a tendency of ending so badly. I spent most of it by myself, really.

 I played with fire.... And scorched my kitchen chairs.

Flowers. Delivered without a name. Mysterious.

 Birtday cake.

After a long weeked -- of both the good, the terrible, the better, and the beautiful -- the sun set. Before I blinked it was over, and time ticked on. Before I knew it, the day that is representative of the day I began my test in life was finished. I don't feel any different -- if you dont count the panic. I am 1/4th dead. I have one arm in my grave. Why did I spend so much of my time wasting away, and worrying about things of so little consequence? Did I do everything I wanted to do? Did I do anything important or influential at all? Did I touch a soul? Did I change a life?

I don't think I did. But hiding under my blankets (as I am now), will probably not change that outlook. Should I make yet another promise to be better only to feel as if I have failed myself once again, or should I make no such promise and feel accomplished when I succeed at being nothing?

~C

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QyVfs5G2uA&feature=relmfu

love? no, its just alergies.

I’ve been having my ups and downs this week. But it has been quite wonderful, and quite terrible.


I went with my best friend to the tulip gardens, where we saw the most wonderful things. We talked, laughed, took pictures, cloud watched, unearthed forgotten magic, were touched by the spirit of Christ, walked barefoot in the grass, and were reminded of all of the reasons why we are so close. I love Scott; I think that he has the most amazing and understanding soul. I know God loves me so much, because he placed this insatiable desire in me to seek out the beautiful things in the world, and he brought people in my life that I can share that same love with. What a magnificent gift.

Then, after a long hard weekend of working myself to exhaustion; Sunday came. I got to have a long conversation with a friend, whom we felt it was best to part ways. I hope someday he can find the happiness he seeks. I truly do. I no longer harbor any resentment or heartache towards him, I only want what is best for him, and I hope he seeks it out. He is in more capable hands now. However, this didn’t make it any less painful to lose a friend. It still hurt, and brought back old feelings of abandonment. I need to remind myself that all will be alright – patience is the key.

I can barely type; my hands are trembling so much. My doctor put me on some new medication for my unknown heart condition. I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but I have been struggling with a heart problem for awhile now. I haven’t told anyone in my family, for fear of worrying them, but they aren’t sure what it is yet. The symptoms are terrible though: my left side will fall into a state of temporary paralysis, I will have severe heart palpitations that will keep me up at night, flash fevers, severe drops in blood sugar levels, and crippling pain in my chest that can last from a few seconds to a few hours that leave me incapacitated of doing anything but lie down and wait for it to stop. They’ve done a few tests, but so far have been unable to find much, so they put me on some medication to see if it will help.

I don’t think it is, to be honest.

Anyways, come Sunday evening, my little sister of whom I have been living with that I have mentioned previously, requested that I go with her up to Logan – the town that stole my heart – since she was planning on visiting some friends. Of course I complied, and excitedly packed. She has been so kind to me, and I am so grateful that she came to live with me. I wish I was a better sister to her.

The next day I woke up early, and my friend Mike came over to my house for breakfast, and his keyboard that he had left at my house until he was all settled in his new apartment. I got to show him my new balcony. I had planted lots of new flowers, vegetables, fruits, and herbs, and made my own patch of earth that I could call my own. We then went for a drive and talked about music, life, and memories. I had such a good time, and I am blessed to have such a great friend.

Anyways, when I got home Becca and I headed straight up to Logan, listening to harry potter the entire trip. I arrived and Lucila and her sister Leisil, accepted me with open arms. We drove straight to Café Sabor for old times sake (we first really met the day after my birthday, when nearly a year ago my roommates took me out to lunch). We went to the zoo, shopping, then we went to my old apartment to visit my dearest friend Cheris and my old roommate Bethany. We talked, and laughed until we cried. We then participated in a lot of different activities. We barbecued, we picked flowers like old times, went hiking, and even stopped at Zeppes for gelato. I saw so many people that I left behind, and love desperately. It was so amazing.

Later that night I saw some even older friends than they. It was not a very good experience. But even the darkness and the bad energy I received from those encounters, it could not overshadow the joy of returning to my real home, and love of my friends. I feel so much closer to God there.

Anyways, I woke up early and had the traditional finals week breakfast that we had always set up in my old apartment. It was the same as always.

I hated having to leave. My heart just broke in two. But I was too happy to even notice the pain.

Anyways, I am back home. I am determined to seek out a similar happiness that I found there, here. Pray for me, will you?

~C