praying for a change of heart, and looking for a sign

When I dream, I dream in bright, brilliant colors.

And sometimes, I will wake without having any recollection of the dream, but having this unambiguous impression as to what it consisted of. I lie in bed and play it over, and over in my mind; not wanting to forget the events of the goings on of my imagination. But, I always do.

Dreams are funny things. They can tell you many facts that you didn't even realize you knew, they can bring about many sensations -- albeit be falling, or dying; flying or laughing -- to cause an actual physical reaction.

When I dream, I dream in bright, brilliant colors. And when I dream, I dream of you.

The Birds were here

Yesterday I went four-wheeling with Scott, a good friend of mine. We reached the very tip of a mountain top. We sat there, and looked down at the city. Tracing our fingers along the lines of the roads we recognized. Laughing at this satellite view that we had.

But then, we became silent. And we just gazed down. Marveling at how the clouds were directly in our eye level, and how the rainstorm which fell down from grey clouds and into the lake made a very distinct circle of rain. It was beautiful.

In this silence, the cogs of my mind began to work.

My problems, and the troubles of my heart seemed so small.

I am the kind of person who always puts others before myself, because of the amount of love I have to give. However, looking down at the patchwork quilt of what had been my whole life; I realize just how insignificant I am. My own universe – my own world – revolves around something smaller than an ant in the eyes of reality; me. I realize just then how shellfish I have been. How I have been so focused on myself, and my own pain and troubles, that I have had little time to realize how little I mean to anyone but myself.

But then: my thoughts are stopped by, not so much a VOICE, but more of a FEELING in my head.

“You are not insignificant, Cate, my love. You are so very precious, and mean the world to me.”

And I realized, then and there that I must change. I must become that person that influences the lives of all around her. The woman who inspires people to be better, to love deeper, and to be stronger just by smiling. I want to change lives, I want people to remember me – not as the girl no one can quite remember the name of from an old hick town in Utah – no; I will be great.

And then I felt it ladies and gentlemen. I felt this pain in my heart, this dull and constant ache.

And to my mind came a line that I remember reading once:

This pain that you are feeling is of your soul expanding.

I took a deep breath. Filling my lungs with the fresh, crisp air of the mountaintops and smiled.

Because that was exactly what I was feeling.

I am healing.

My soul, my heart, my mind is expanding, growing, and becoming what it was meant to become.

~C

It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

I am getting rid of everyone.

I have decided that I do not need friends. They do not wish to help me, but to drag me down. So, I will rid myself of these chains. I do not mind being alone. It will give me more time to focus on the things which are truly important to me. I have made a list:

-My family; I need to put them higher up on my priority list, as they have been down there with washing the dishes for some time. They are suffering from an older sister, as they truly need one now that the oldest has moved out.

-Working; I need to get a job because of all of this schooling I am going to be doing this winter. I really need to be getting my education and my work back on track.

-My art; it has been neglected long enough. I was actually thinking to myself that to cure my summer boredom (and free time of my newer, more dramatic lack of friends) that I would start a new hobby. However, once I really got to thinking about it, I decided that I would much rather build upon the strengths and hobbies that I already have. So, I will.

-My writing; I shared some of my writing with a person recently. They were very interested, intrigued, and as they repeatedly proclaimed – adored it. I know that if I work really, really hard, I can get my novel finished by the end of the year. Or, at least next spring. I know that it is good. I really do. So, I know that – having talked with some publishers recently – that it WILL get published. I just need to put in the work.

-My singing; I can be especially good – better than I am – if I was to just practice more. I mean, the world renown Opera group doesn’t ask just ANYONE to sing as a guest. Especially not someone as young as myself, but I know that I can be better.

I really need to start focusing on the things that are important. I would like to do some volunteer work, you know, start immersing myself in making others happier and better. Choosing them over me. I also am going to put some REAL effort into becoming a better daughter to my Heavenly Father. I will not disappoint you again.

I have so many things to DO now!! I am unleashing my inner child for the first time in ages. :) and… I am actually looking forward to it.

~C