The Birds were here

Yesterday I went four-wheeling with Scott, a good friend of mine. We reached the very tip of a mountain top. We sat there, and looked down at the city. Tracing our fingers along the lines of the roads we recognized. Laughing at this satellite view that we had.

But then, we became silent. And we just gazed down. Marveling at how the clouds were directly in our eye level, and how the rainstorm which fell down from grey clouds and into the lake made a very distinct circle of rain. It was beautiful.

In this silence, the cogs of my mind began to work.

My problems, and the troubles of my heart seemed so small.

I am the kind of person who always puts others before myself, because of the amount of love I have to give. However, looking down at the patchwork quilt of what had been my whole life; I realize just how insignificant I am. My own universe – my own world – revolves around something smaller than an ant in the eyes of reality; me. I realize just then how shellfish I have been. How I have been so focused on myself, and my own pain and troubles, that I have had little time to realize how little I mean to anyone but myself.

But then: my thoughts are stopped by, not so much a VOICE, but more of a FEELING in my head.

“You are not insignificant, Cate, my love. You are so very precious, and mean the world to me.”

And I realized, then and there that I must change. I must become that person that influences the lives of all around her. The woman who inspires people to be better, to love deeper, and to be stronger just by smiling. I want to change lives, I want people to remember me – not as the girl no one can quite remember the name of from an old hick town in Utah – no; I will be great.

And then I felt it ladies and gentlemen. I felt this pain in my heart, this dull and constant ache.

And to my mind came a line that I remember reading once:

This pain that you are feeling is of your soul expanding.

I took a deep breath. Filling my lungs with the fresh, crisp air of the mountaintops and smiled.

Because that was exactly what I was feeling.

I am healing.

My soul, my heart, my mind is expanding, growing, and becoming what it was meant to become.

~C