satellite heart.

I’m over it.

No really, I’m totally fine.

I am just tired.

… I’m lying.

Change of subject.

Reader, do not allow me to digress.

School is nearly over. It is so very close, the tips of my fingers tingle at the potential, and it causes me to hold my breath and hope.

I never understood the excitement of looking forward to long lengthy periods of time without any prospective activity planned. But, I realize now that this was affected significantly by several underlying factors, such as: I had no friends to love – or to love me, I had to spend all of my free time taking care of countless arguing children, sleeping too much or too little, and only leaving the house at night. I was lonely, and depressed. I was so isolated.

Last summer was the best summer of my life, and every life I could have ever lived. I had a job whose clients I adored like my own children, I had friends that loved me and would do anything for me, I could go wherever I wanted, and see whatever I wanted to see. Bountiful baskets, barbecues, games, summer market, star gazing, glow stick spattering, festivals, evening opera performances, tandem riding, local bands, flower picking, adventuring, gallery walks, sunrise hikes, midnight tubing, the fair, first dam, the wind caves, watermelon eating contests… I could go on and on. Nothing could ever be as magical or as wonderful.

I almost dread the upcoming of this one.

Almost.

It would be much more beautiful summer if I could spend it with him. I know I would be happy.

I can’t listen to songs about love anymore. They make me cry. There is one in particular that comes to mind, that just makes me want to crawl under my bed and turn it on repeat. Until the words become meaningless, and the pain so intense that I become numb once again.

You drift like a spirit through my dreams, like flipping through the pages of a book. Sometimes you are just there. Existing only as a pair of eyes in a sea of faceless people. Other times I can smell your skin, and feel the air around my body become warm and the breath from my lungs is sucked from my soul. You never touch me. Sometimes I don’t even see you, but I know that you are there. And I wake and curse the silence, and pray for release.

Darn.

I digress. I’m supposed to be pretending that I am not suffering from a broken heart right now. I need to obtain some kind of composure.

I saw a friend the other day. We had a beautiful adventure, and we talked about everything that had happened to cause me to fall apart. I cannot express myself to anyone as easily and as honestly as I can with him – he is the only one that understands me. He is and has always been a true blessing to me; I thank the Lord for him every day, and still feel my appreciation is insufficient for all he has to put up with. We chased the rain. I was so unhappy, though surprisingly doing better than I had in several days. He saw right through my terrible attempt at a charade.

He listened. He gave me advice from his standing as the president of the lonely hearts club, and after crying all of my makeup away, and tender strokes through my wild hair, I was able to find so much peace in knowing that I was loved, and that he was there for me.

And that was sufficient.

I could never ask for a better friend. I am so blessed.

I’ve realized that I can never make him love me, or see me for who I really am.

Not talking to him is killing me.

Grr. Stop it Cate. Stop it stop it stop it.

I have lost my mind. I am going to end this before this begins making even less sense, and I lose all remaining dignity I have.

~C

I’m a satellite heart, lost in the dark.
I’m spun out so far; you stop I start.
But I’ll be true to you.