I am sitting in the library – I feel as if I am a little fish in a large fishbowl – surrounded by clear glass, curious eyeballs, and fake surroundings that exist only for appearance sake. The air is filled with stifled coughs, noisy page turners, the zipping of new backpacks, and exhausted sighs.
I am putting off the schoolwork that I know is potentially taking over my moderately free schedule. There is so much more to study and witness now at this time than there is to learn from any stale book.
I don’t know if my outlook is anywhere remotely optimistic when it comes to the perception my new ‘educational environment’. I do not appreciate the people that I have no other alternative but to observe in my every day meanderings. Orange skin, blinding teeth, painted eyes, clicking nails, sagging pants, cigarette smoke and a ‘better than thou’ attitude fill my senses. I don’t feel welcome here. I miss the places that I have yet to have a chance to see. India, Russia, Africa, South America.
I want to fit in – to find a home somewhere. Not a house, not an apartment, not an address, not a dwelling, not a living space; but a home. I have searched for such a place in and out of tired dreams, in lands far away from this. Hoping to someday feel within my soul a change – a binding – to a physical situation; I yearn for that. I thought at one point I had found it within the corners of a world. It was beautiful there, filled with light and promise. For one time in a very long and empty time I was able to feel the love that people actually had the desire to have me feel.
But I had to leave what could have been my home, and when I look back on it now, the feeling in my soul was close to what I ached for, but not right. Not yet.
I’ll have to keep searching. Perhaps one day I will discover what I seek. Until then, I will remain in an uncomfortable and lonely silence; filled with hope, faith, and promise.
~C
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