Road to nowhere

I am horrified.

I went to bed last night, and as I lay, I decided to tell myself a story. As I always do.

I closed my eyes, and for the first time in my entire life... I drew a blank. I could think of absolutely nothing, and when I put all my effort, all of my thoughts into coming up with just one idea... My brain would stop, mid-thought, and decide that it wasn't worth the attempt.

I think that his words -- that are burned into my mind -- have hurt me far more than I've realized.

He said many things, but one of the things he said to me was that I needed to grow up.

I think that my mind has reached a point where it no longer wishes to hold onto any childish dreams.

I look into what I want in my future, and see NOTHING.

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is, to discover that you have no more dreams?

This is sickening to me. A girl who's always had such a big imagination, and such big dreams; they have all gone. Its terrifying to me.

I always thought that losing him was the worst thing that could happen to me, but losing ME is even worse.

I am on vacation right now. I'm in California. I will be gone until the 20th.

Perhaps I will find myself amongst the clutter of my mind before I return home.

I hope so.